This post is somewhat related to my Du'a in previous post, Forgive me, and save me. I've been thinking for couple of days to write this down since it's kinda personal to me, and might get boos.
I am happy and living my life as a 26 y-o single woman when all of sudden the wedding invitations start rolling in. Everyday someone is announcing a wedding. The invitations are coming fast and hard, closest friends are leaving and creating a new family life. All of a sudden, I realize I am the last single woman standing.
Who says I am not jealous? I am jealous to the bones adoring how these two people living in 28.4 million population, and in the middle of the crowd, they met each other. Meeting each other in the middle of the crowd is amazing, but getting into each other is more amazing!
When I was taking shower this morning, looking at myself into the mirror, I started to think about my life.
What if, I might not get what I've planned, to have a wonderful family, a lovely supportive husband to lean on and beautiful kids to cheer me up every morning?
What if, I get a husband who actually depends on me and expecting me to take his responsibilities to support the family?
Or what if, I don't find the one, and ended up living my life being single, alone, for the rest of my life til my last breath? The last part scares me the most, and my eyes started to tear up.
Should I start to plan about my life after retired? Should I start looking for a house so that I have a shelter to live in? Or should I invest on old folk home I'm going to stay at when I'm getting old and alone?
I am neither pretty nor has a great body, neither rich nor famous among friends. I don't have a great sense of humor, not an attractive person who people will look at me twice, not good enough for people to refer to. I don't work with big established company with huge payment offered, which people are dying to have my job.
I don't have all these things. To be specific, I have nothing.
I always consult myself with "Oh let's not think about it, there's no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen." but the truth is, I am afraid.
Ever since then, I may adore some guys on and off once in a blue moon, but I stop trusting. I stop hoping, and I stop giving hope. I am living a plain life. In other words, I am being careful not to fall for it.
I happen to read a great article in The Star yesterday, 'Falling in Love takes guts' narrated by Jojo Struys and the article makes me realize the real problem in me.
These are few lines taken from the article.
In order to really love someone, we have to be prepared to be ‘vulnerable’ and to drop all the masks we usually wear in life.
Everyone has different faces for different occassions but how many people see us for who we are, right down to the apple core of our souls?
On this fascinating journey of love, I realized some time back that love and fear don’t really mix. They are like oil and water. The irony is I finally fell in love when I lost the fear that I would never find it. There were other fears that wondrously and surprisingly melted away as well. I was able to completely be myself.
It is an incredible feeling to safely know that despite all your flaws and imperfections, that someone would wholeheartedly accept and love you anyway. I realize it is better to be open rather than closed to what some would describe as the strongest emotion on Earth. When we are too preoccupied trying to protect our hearts, we are missing out on the greatest adventure of our lives, no matter how exhilirating and challenging relationships might be. It’s worth it.
I had a deep thought after read this article. I never give a chance for myself to see people around me, and I never give a chance for people to get to know me. I sit alone with my eyes closed, expecting someone will come to me, saying I am the one, when I'm actually sitting in a dark, closed room. Nobody can see me.
I don't know how long it takes to fully open up my eyes to see, and open up my heart to give to. But I'm slowly giving myself that chance. I am waiting to meet the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, without any fear, and it just feels right :)
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts] . . . -Qur’an 30:21