my heart hurts so much seeing this...
“Hottest time of the day? 2PM!!!”
"What time is it now? It's 2PM!"
I don't really care about them at their first debuted, 2PM's 10 Out of 10 just my only song collections from 2PM. But then as I watched Idol Show where they're on it, their new comeback Again & Again really strike me. I'm digging the whole about 2PM. I started learning their names, who was who... I fall in love with ChanSung maknae and then fond with them. but I realized I'm not that fanatic. i just have their picture as wallpaper background, some pictures of them, some songs that I love.. that's all. and thats all downloaded. not something that i bought... I'm a bad fan am I?
But soon, everything, my whole life consisted of 2PM; from the oldest maknae Chansung, to big butt Junho, to ssanti Wooyoung, to the ballad loving okdaeri Taecyeon, to winking machine Nichkhun, to our soulful voice Junsu, and even you, leadja, our one and only leader, Park Jae Bum. I watched every clip I can find, giggle at the little things the members did, watching Idol Show and loving everyone more and more, looking forward to my weekends so that i can go back home, online for 24hours watching Wild Bunny came out. I can't help but laugh and fill my heart with their craziness.
"What time is it?" People would ask. And I would answer, "2PM!!!" When it was really five.
"Repeat that again." And my heart start singing "Again and again and again."
I live in two worlds; the first one is filled with friends and family. The one where I can go out and have fun-laugh with friends, play around, and be stupid. The second one, with the other Wonderfuls, E.L.F.s, Primadonas, VIPs, Cassiopeians, and HOTTESTs. I call this my secret world. The one where I can come home and look forward to 2PM cheering me up. And on September 08, 2009, both my worlds came crashing down.
That night past 12AM was like my whole world totally breaking down. the article ' Jaebom leaves Korea' makes my heart hurts so much. i didn't check any news a few days before which i'm confidently thought nothing's gonna happen. for me what Jaebom wrote in MySpace was nothing and people will forget about it(maybe because i'm not living in Korea) . but that day reading the article and seeing the pictures of him at the airport, i can't control myself but cry! i can't stop crying, recall about the whole things. what's going on? how did it happened? up until 3, I stayed up. I cried, constantly checking Twitter, Allkpop, 2Oneday and Soompi for an update. at almost 4, I gave up and tried to go to sleep. Instead I found myself crying for another two hours until i fall asleep. That morning on September 9, 2009, I woke up and the first thing that crossed my mind was, 'This is all a nightmare.'
‘Why are you crying?’
‘Really? Over something like this?’
‘Loser…you’ll be sad but eventually you’ll move on.’
‘Some kid leaves a boy band and everyone acts as if the president’s been assassinated.’
'Really? thats all make you until this state?'
They don’t understand. Only HOTTESTs do. How can we spell HOTTEST with only six? How can we move on when our leadja has left us? Because 2PM is not seven people, they’re one. Because when one of them falls, one of the members put them on their back and carries them. Because they walk together. Because if seven minus one, then it equals nothing.
We always said we’ll never let our leader walk alone. But you have, haven’t you? You’ve walked alone on this road. We’re merely there as guidance. And somewhere along the way, you found a different path and took it. Even if we try to hold on, we can’t if you’ve let go. But we’ll still hold on, because that’s what we do. We’re HOTTESTs, and we believe in our leader.
Words cannot even describe the way I feel. I’m heartbroken, to
run apart, unstable, and my worlds came crashing down. I don’t want to do anything. I can’t bear to listen to music. I try to occupy myself so I don’t think about it. But as I close my eyes, no music playing because I'm scared I might hear your voice and start crying again, my mind wanders over to how 2PM and HOTTESTs can go on. In my mind, I tell myself, Park Jae Bum isn’t gone; he’s just taking a short break because he deserves it.
Yes, I cried. And so did many of the HOTTESTs out there. Yes, I respect Jae Bum’s decision. But I’m selfish; I want him to come back. Yes, I’m angry at the person who started all this. And I’ll never forgive her. But most of all, yes, I want Park Jae Bum to be happy.
I feel like Jae Bum lives in two worlds too. The first one, he’s Jay Park, the kid who doesn’t want to grow up. The boy who loves to dance because it makes him happy. The boy who have friends and family to support him no matter what. The boy who can grow old and yet, be a boy. And then there’s Park Jae Bum, the leader of 2PM. The man who’s grown and journeyed so far. The man who accepts his members and loves them. The man who shares tears and laughter with his members. The leader, who as a leader, thought of his members when he made his crucial decision.
Be it one month, half a year, one year or even five, HOTTESTs will always wait for our leadja, Park Jae Bum. Because who he is now, is not Park Jae Bum; he’s Jay Park and he needs his friends and family. Be happy, Park Jae Bum. Because you deserve it.
In time, the pain will heal. This shattered heart will slowly be glued and taped together. But the scar will always remain.