After for a while I didn’t write anything in my blog.. Now I think I need some place to say it, because I don’t want to tell anyone, actually. Because it hurts. This one guy I know, I got closer wit him because I liked his friend. He knew. But as I being his friend, he cares bout me. He treats me more than that. He would always be there whenever I need him. He listened to me whenever I need someone to talk. He gave me advises and make me feel comfortable with him.
There's my best friend, she knows everything bout me. How close I am with this guy. How I’m in love with him. Except that, she didn’t know that I love him more than that. She thought that I’m still in love with his friend. Because I never tell her the truth.. because I’m afraid of her. I’m afraid if my history repeated itself. How I’m being betrayed by my only bestfriend. How much I trusted her and silently, she stabbed me until I couldn’t breath. My whole life I never felt that much pain and I died softly. Until now, I never trust anyone. I never cry for a guy anymore. Its enough it happened once. It hurts. Still. That's why, I would deny my feelings towards him in front of her. So that if someday I fall, she's not going to realize that I love him that much. I don’t want anyone to see how much I’m in pain.
My pride is more than everything. Its better not to let them know even its hurting me deeply.
But seeing her flirting with him really make me sick. Even that is the way she is, but she should know the boundary. Whenever I know she likes any guy, I never started to disturb her flirting with guys. But now, she knew I like him, but she started to get closer with him too. She complaint and compared when he treated me nicer. She’s flirting and when we going back to the hostel, she will say sorry. And repeat the same things again and again. I don't understand why she need to do this. But its really killing me softly only God knows. Sometimes I think maybe its time for me to let them both. Maybe its time for me to walk away…
“Sorry, because I can't say it in front of you. I tried. But still not strong enough to say it. I don't know what it is, but I feel something weird towards you. I’m not really sure. But I know its something important to me. Even its not important to you. Having you as my friend really mean everything to me. The way you care about me. But I know, you just playing around with me. But sometimes you didn’t realize that you play with my heart too. Since when I don't know, seeing you sms-ing, met and flirting with another girl really make me sick. I try to act strong. But it hurts. Really hurts. What is it actually? But still, I don't know until now. I know you know. But you just pretend you don’t know. Now, I'm getting tired of all of these. One day if I go somewhere far from you, don't try to find me. Because I will miss you so much it hurts. But now, DON’T STOP HOLDING MY HANDS. Because I need u more than that. Evn if we are not meant for each other, DON’T STOP BEING MY GOOD FRIEND. Because I will keep it this way eternity..”