Friday, 27 June 2008

Thank you for being such a pain PART3

Oh Goshh.. I never thought the thing I've said before really.. it's SCARY!

"You asked for my forgiveness, I forgive you for all of these. Because I know, Dia maha Adil, akan ada hikmah dan balasan di sebalik semua yang berlaku."

Those words are really.. urghh! it happened! its not like I'm praying for their punishment, but it just happened. I never thought those words really show them something..

In PART1, i told about how she start flirting with him and I couldn't take it. In PART2 is when I knew they started to be together behind me.. and it's killing me.

After they were both together, I was not myself anymore.. 7 days, I didn't give any news to any of my friends. Yes, I ran away from these. I couldn't accept it, but still I have to adapt with it. Being betrayed this way.. urghh, I really hope this never happened.. But still, it's too late..

Seeing them together, everyday in class.. make me sick. But I tried to avoid everything.. 'it's okayh, Aya..this is the last semester, you can do this!' as I can accept it with all my heart, i've heard the most bad news about them.

But now its not the time to blame others.. Eventhough they feel bad for what they've did to me, but both of them are still my friends. In this situation, they need friends the most.. and I play my roll, as her friend..

After a while, it was in silence.. no news. I thought that everything was ok.. but who never knows what would come next.. Suddenly one day, she didn't come to class, she gave me a call.. told me that Pengarah Kampus asked her to quit from university! Yes, for some  big reasons both of them have to quit.. i'm speechless! Totally speechless.. This is our final semester, final exam is in another 2 weeks to go.. and they need to quit before this weekend.. They can do nothing but just to accept it. That time I realized about the thing I said to her before. Is this really because of me? Because of my words? Can I take my words back?

But it was too late.. She came to our class and gave her letter to Madam Maureen, she waited for us to say goodbye.. I kept thinking about their problem every single day, whether i'can do anything to hold these things to happen. But I know, I only can do nothing. I couldn't hold my tears anymore.. and in front of all people, I cried.. all of us cried..

We graduated without 2 of them.. I really hope that both of them can achieve success even though we are in different path now.. Even though you did hurt my heart, but I wish both of you can be together forever.. May Allah s.w.t bless both of you..

with love,

Thank you for being such a pain PART2

This is my letter for her after what she did to me, written sincerely from my heart.

Dec 27, 2007

Sorry sebab menghilang for a while..This is me, whenever I have problems, I will run away, keep it in my heart..Give me a break. I need time.Don't worry, I'm fine with it.I will forget everything after a while.I don't blame u for these.. You guys have your right to choose.
Thank you for telling me about it before bukak semester.If you tell me the truth face to face, kau adalah orang yang paling kejam.I don't think I have face to see you again. I don't need sympathy.At least now, I have time to think and accept it.Aku macam tak tahu apa guna kita pernah gaduh pasal laki tu. Sampai hampir putus kawan.Pathetic kan??Its like so sia-sia..Ia sangat memualkan aku sekarang. Really.Its so fake, and aku rasa sangat nak muntahhhh.
The promise that you make, and you break it, it doesn't matter anymore.. I don't care anymore.The fact that I said, "I TRUST U" that day.. I don't care anymore.Your acting and make me feel damn stupid.. I don't care anymore.Because its like, the history really repeated itself.The most scariest thing in my whole life, the nightmare, really, it happened again.Just, I can't believe it is you, really did it.Tuduh Hanis.. I can't forgive myself.If it happen again for the 3rd time, I really don't care anymore..Take everything from me, it doesn't make sense anymore..Im too tired for all of this.. penat.

You asked for my forgiveness, I forgive you for all of these. Because I know, Dia Maha Adil,akan ada hikmah and balasan di sebalik semua yang berlaku.But still, I will not forgive you for being like her.6 years, the old wound that she did is not healed yet. Then its your turn, make me in pain.I can't take it anymore.. Really.I can't forget it, forever.
But now, don't worry, I'm still the same I am.Treat me as the same Aya.and I will treat you as the same H...but I will not treat him as the same F....
"I'll do it for you, I will do anything for you"If u can't do like what you said,let me do it. and yes, I do it for you.My advise is don't make promises if you think you can't fulfill because it hurts.

Well, I can go on living my life pretending that everything is fine.And I'm not that stupid untuk buang kawan for such a guy.I really don't want to discuss about this anymore. Let it be.I'm ok now, really.Thank you for being such a pain. I get matured with it.

with love,

Thank you for being such a pain PART1

Nov 5, 2007

After for a while I didn’t write anything in my blog.. Now I think I need some place to say it, because I don’t want to tell anyone, actually. Because it hurts. This one guy I know, I got closer wit him because I liked his friend. He knew. But as I being his friend, he cares bout me. He treats me more than that. He would always be there whenever I need him. He listened to me whenever I need someone to talk. He gave me advises and make me feel comfortable with him.

There's my best friend, she knows everything bout me. How close I am with this guy. How I’m in love with him. Except that, she didn’t know that I love him more than that. She thought that I’m still in love with his friend. Because I never tell her the truth.. because I’m afraid of her. I’m afraid if my history repeated itself. How I’m being betrayed by my only bestfriend. How much I trusted her and silently, she stabbed me until I couldn’t breath. My whole life I never felt that much pain and I died softly. Until now, I never trust anyone. I never cry for a guy anymore. Its enough it happened once. It hurts. Still. That's why, I would deny my feelings towards him in front of her. So that if someday I fall, she's not going to realize that I love him that much. I don’t want anyone to see how much I’m in pain. 

My pride is more than everything. Its better not to let them know even its hurting me deeply.
But seeing her flirting with him really make me sick. Even that is the way she is, but she should know the boundary. Whenever I know she likes any guy, I never started to disturb her flirting with guys. But now, she knew I like him, but she started to get closer with him too. She complaint and compared when he treated me nicer. She’s flirting and when we going back to the hostel, she will say sorry. And repeat the same things again and again. I don't understand why she need to do this. But its really killing me softly only God knows. Sometimes I think maybe its time for me to let them both. Maybe its time for me to walk away…

“Sorry, because I can't say it in front of you. I tried. But still not strong enough to say it. I don't know what it is, but I feel something weird towards you. I’m not really sure. But I know its something important to me. Even its not important to you. Having you as my friend really mean everything to me. The way you care about me. But I know, you just playing around with me. But sometimes you didn’t realize that you play with my heart too. Since when I don't know, seeing you sms-ing, met and flirting with another girl really make me sick. I try to act strong. But it hurts. Really hurts. What is it actually? But still, I don't know until now. I know you know. But you just pretend you don’t know. Now, I'm getting tired of all of these. One day if I go somewhere far from you, don't try to find me. Because I will miss you so much it hurts. But now, DON’T STOP HOLDING MY HANDS. Because I need u more than that. Evn if we are not meant for each other, DON’T STOP BEING MY GOOD FRIEND. Because I will keep it this way eternity..”

with love,

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Time is ticking

Right now, at this moment, i'm more appreciating myself and my life. Even though it was kinda hard at first, really hard.. Fail to continue my degree right after matrix because of technical mistake, tebalkan muke I and start from zero! masuk diploma and everyone thought that I was doing degree course in sarawak.. MEMALUKAN kayh! 

My friends at my ages doing their degrees, tapi Allah uji with this kind of matter.. Honestly, that time in my 1st semester I was like.. 'hohh my, this is gonna be the end of my life'. Give up.

But then my Physics 2nd test really proved me something when I got the highest mark while org laen failed. At that moment, I rasa I am something, not nothing! After struggle a lil bit in that semester, I've got DL. Woww. That time I dapat satu encouragement told me that I CAN DO THIS! Then masuk 2nd sem, 3rd etc etc etc I got DL.. Until now..

Finally, I finished my final sem with 4FLAT!! Oh Gooshh ! yang ni I paling tak sangka.. Finally I dapat habis my diploma dengan 1st class. Dream comes true! I selalu berdoa so that I dapat cgpa cecah 3.8+ .Alhamdulillah, Allah betul-betul izinkan. Oh yeahh.. ramai orang tanya, senang ke Civil? jawapan i, of course its not easy larr!

I banyak sacrifies in this sem.. I've been hurt a lot in this semester. I promised to myself, NO LOVE FOR ME. Siap pakai a black pendant so that I can remind myself, DON'T FALL IN LOVE, AYA! really~! I've worked hard in ETR, design project..

being a person yang orang aim to do shortnotes so that they can do photocopy,
being a person yg orang ajak duduk sebelah time test so that diorg boleh tiru,
being a person yg orang cari for notes and tunjuk ajar whenever diorg tak turun kelas,
being a senior yg junior cari untuk pinjam and photostat all the notes..

I don't mind for all of that, its my PLEASURE actually, rasa I am SOMETHING now hehe. So I got 4FLAT for this semester, and finished with ANC in my hand, i feel proud of myself.

Now, I have no regret or malu a lil bit pun yang I pernah buat diploma! kawan-kawan, I BUAT DIPLOMA JE!

A bit dissapointed sebab I dapat a few offers sambung kat UK but I couldn't manage to secure a scholarship. But still no regret sebab if sambung shah alam pun I dapat jimatkan masa I.. 2.5 years, sekejap je I think. I've got a lot of things to do here. Belajar Nihongo yang I nak sangat since Form 1, dapatkan ANC time degree jugak, nanti-nanti lar Master baru sambung UK, Germany ke.. hahaha Mdm Maureen sangat!

WISH THE BEST OF LUCK FOR ME, and for all of ya!

with love,

Monday, 23 June 2008

~..::.* WELCOME darl !! *.::..~

ohh glad to be here.. finally!
this gonna be my 1st official blog after friendster blog..
actually wanna keep this as a secret from others, so that i can say anythin i want to..
those 'Dear Diary..' things!!

so, I have decided..
here, there's gonna be more bout me, about my love, my life, my nightmare and MORE FUN !

with love,